Moving on is the hardest part in life
by Greysanatomyrocks
Summary: Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd are best friends. Both of them have feeligs for eachother but they can't disclose their love for eachother because they don't want to risk their friendship. After a lifechanging tragedy has happened that could change their lives Derek thinks about the past since they've met eachother... Is their love strong enough to survive?
1. Chapter 1

**It's mainly about Merder and it starts in a middle of a tragedy. After chapter 4 there gonna be various flashbacks explaining how Meredith and Derek got to know each other, what obstacles their love had to overcome and why that named tragedy had happened.**

I just woke up seconds ago and was expecting Derek just lying next to me.

Cause this feeling, the feeling to know he was with me and that I was totally safe, made me strong. The feeling, when I woke up and he kissed me softly on the cheeks and then with all emotions and all romantic on my lips, was priceless. It made me feel like I was the happiest woman in that whole entire world. But as I turned around there was no Derek anywhere. I thought he might be gone to the hospital but as I got to the kitchen I saw a curious letter hanging on the fridge…

I got to get it because I'd immediately known that it had to be for no one else but me. Something about this letter made me act quite shy and anxious. I wasn't able to open it, although I wanted to know what's written in it.

I tried to convince myself that it's just a letter… just a letter. No bomb, or a little tiny plane that could crash… it's just a letter! After a few minutes of silence I started to open the envelope carefully. The letter smelled soo much like Derek did. But why would he write a letter to me? We were living together… Keeping that question in mind I started reading this letter. Maybe it was something work related…It just could be … it was Derek's after all. My Derek's.

While reading this letter I was more and more shrinking into my seat. It was hard to realize what that words meant to say. My head was hurting. I've never known words can injure you in that way Derek's did.

It was like a really big truck ran into me… Every sentence, every word, every single letter was like a dolorous punch into my face. I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't breathe... and I couldn't stand it… I couldn't explain anything. Why did he do that to me? What's with me? Had he even thought about me?

He should know that he isn´t alone anymore and that he has to ask me for my opinion about important decisions like this one… I couldn't believe it. Somehow tears were running over my cheeks.. and Cristina… why Cristina why? Why had she helped him? Why is everyone leaving me? Why is the world so cruel to me? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I felt crap… I felt empty… soo empty…

Nobody wanted to be with me, everyone was leaving me constantly… Lexie moved to Mark, Izzie was gone, George, who totally understood my feelings and thoughts, was dead, and Alex… Alex was Alex and just made up with nurses and interns like a whore on tequila. My mum hasn´t ever cared for me and died one year ago and my dad… wasn´t really my dad. He was more Lexie´s dad. He had chosen Lexie years ago... He left mum and me as I was 5.

My parents gave me the feeling that I was a nothing in that world and that no one needed me… not worth enough... not good enough to breathe the world's air...

As I met Derek I thought he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with cause he was the first one after loads of one-night stands who pulled me out of that hole of darkness I'd fallen as a child. But was he still the one?

Now my McDreamy left me. To all bad he took Cristina with him… McDreamy was seriously being a McAss! Seriously! But why was the truth so painful? Why had he to hurt me in that way? People always kept telling me that the truth about knowing the truth is that it hurts… but I'd never believed them completely. It took me a long time to trust him and along time to realize I wanted him… now he was breaking everything by one letter…

My tears didn't want to stop running over my cheeks. I didn't want to cry. I was used to all the crap in my life but I'd never thought Derek would be the one breaking me completely. I thought he was the one I would marry. I wanted to have his children… He'd been the love of my life. Where was it all gone?

Desperately I just got a bottle of tequila. My throat burnt like hell as the liquid ran through it. Every sip reduced my pain… just a little but at least it did… it remembered me I was still alive. You couldn't drown your problems in alcohol but sometimes it seems as the best thing you could do when there was nothing left to do anymore and everything seemed to fall apart… although that could cause more problems….but what was the point? What was the point of anything?!

**What are your first impressions? Review?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope you liked chapter 1 so far.**

I knew this letter would be really painful but there wasn't anything I could do though. Cristina, she was there when Meredith wasn't. As I wanted to tell her, surgery had stopped me… after that my confidence failed and I hadn't been able to tell her. Sometimes a letter is the best way to say something painful … and not to see how the other person suffers… The best way to say goodbye.

Cristina somehow had come up with that idea, in a weird way… She'd somehow helped me to develop that plan. That plan that could change my life. Mer's life… I didn't want to hurt Meredith. I didn't want to leave her because she was the love of my life. It hadn't been my tendency. Nothing had been. Everything in this past weeks had happened so fast. The reason why I'd written that letter is quite simple but however difficult… There was no way to get back... If heaven gives you lemons you make lemonade, don't you?

Meredith Grey was the one, I knew it! She was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to get up next to her and I wanted to kiss her every morning softly. And when my life was over, I wanted to die at home in her arms. She was the love of my life. I'd never felt this way for any other woman, not even for Addison. And as I met Addie I really thought she was the one… but she wasn't. I didn't want Meredith as my girlfriend. I wanted her as my wife!

She was the only woman in the entire world who made me so happy I could do everything when she was just with me. I would even love her when I would hate her. The love to her was so big that I couldn't explain it. But as how much I love her… I'm a human being… I…

Cristina came into my trailer and stopped my swarming for Meredith and my train of thoughts…

"Are you really sure? Do you really want to go to New York? And you haven't even told Meredith? Seriously?"

I hadn't expected those questions… "Eh, uhm… I …I … really love her and know she's the one who'll make me happy, but… you know… I mean to do everything great. I want to be perfect and there is this decision… this life changing decision… Maybe she will…" Before I could continue Cristina cut me off.

"Are you kidding me? I thought that you´ve learnt that love is sometimes more important than the job. In earlier times I would have chosen my career instead of my love. But look at me now. I'm so happy, really happy. I haven't happier. Career can't give you enough happiness as love does. Don't make the wrong decision! I can't let you hurt Meredith because I'm her person and if you hurt her you immediately hurt me in the same way. You are a dumb! Absolutely a dumb! Seriously! I feel so bad for not telling her! Knowing it and not telling her makes me to a bad person. It's just because of you, jackass. Why haven't you told her?"

"It wasn´t my…" I started. Before I could continue to defend himself Cristina cut me off. Again!

"Don't tell me that it isn't your fault! Don't tell me you wanted to wait for the best moment to tell her. Because apparently there wasn't the perfect moment. There wouldn't even have been one if you would have waited any longer. You've been scared to tell her! Ass! This should have shown to you that you are up to make the wrong decision. I can't believe I'm even helping you to get ready...

Cristina´s words hit me hard… I knew I ruined it… But I wasn't a bad guy for taking care of my career, was I? I felt the anger growing in the inside of me. They'd asked me to work there. They wanted me to take over their neurological section. They said I was the best one they could ever dream of having there. Cristina didn't get it! She would have chosen her career over Owen at my point. She definitely would have

"And you are like a robot! No real emotions! Have I said you that I sometimes really hate you?!" I yelled. I tried to put all my anger in that few words. The worst was that some part of me knew she was right. She usually was.

Cristina didn't seem to be upset because I yelled at her. She answered in a calm but serious voice. "Everyone does at one point because I'm brilliant but they are just good." I knew she tried to brighten my mood but it didn't work. I felt bad for yelling at her. Thinking about Meredith panic started to build up in the inside of me.

"I'm so scared to lose her…. But New York will offer me some new chances to become a more popular surgeon. Chances Seattle and our Seattle Greys Mercy West Hospital can't offer me. I love living here, working here… of course I love Meredith. But how creepy it sounds.. I need something new…"

"Do I look like your shrunk?" Cristina looked at me with her ShutTheHellUpOrIGonnaKill you look.

"I thought I… " This thing seemed to turn out more difficult than expected…

"Oh my Goodness, don't give me that WhatAmISupposedToDo Look. As crackbrained and helpless you might look, I'm not gonna joke about you… but listen…It isn't the best way to go away and even not telling her. Go back to her, don't leave her! Go back to that idiotic house you built! The human life is made up by choices and sometimes they aren't up to you. But this time it is. So when you leave her, you'll destroy the damaged Meredith and she won't get over it. At that point we won't be able to put her back together. Even when you keep saying you love her… you don't destroy the people you love! You'll take the little piece of her with you that had hold her together… DO you want that?"

"You´re so annoying with the truth. Sometimes I really hate you that much!" My voice sounded desperate. Without even noticing it I was desperately waiting for Cristina to say something to comfort me. I noticed a bright smile growing on her face.

"Dude, you can kiss my hardcore diaper-wearing ass later but now hurry up and try to repair what you've broken! You are such an idiot! First of all you have to be 100% clear about choices before breaking everything! Idiot! Idiotic Idiot! How can a neurosurgeon be so brainless?! Hopefully she didn't do anything bad to her…"

"Meredith may be dark & twisty but she isn't stupid! Hopefully…" Nooo, Meredith wouldn't have done something bad. I knew her! My Meredith was strong. She was!

As Cristina and I arrived at Mer's and my house I built up for her, nobody was there. Cristina ran upstairs and commanded to look after Mer downstairs. I've seen Cristina's fearful face she'd tried to hide. Even her voice revealed fear. Meredith was fine! Probably she was in hospital although her shift started in 5 hours. Maybe she'd switched shifts… or an emergency had come in and they'd forgot to page Cristina or him… or they'd just needed one intern and no neurosurgeon… Cristina paniced for nothing. Meredith was alright. I tried to comfort myself by saying this to myself. But I felt pain in my heart picturing Meredith reading that letter…

Slowly I went into the kitchen. As I saw the floor I stopped breathing and it was like someone tried to kill me. It seemed like an invisible person tried to choke me from behind. My heart stopped beating. I couldn't believe what I was looking at.

Blood… there was a lake of blood in the middle of the kitchen floor and next to it my letter…and... and Meredith!


End file.
